Most hard conversations go wrong in the first minute. We open with a judgment, and the other person defends themselves instead of listening. This approach helps you plan words the other person can actually answer, and decide before you start what you will do after they answer.
What it gets you. Plan what to say in a way the other person can answer. Before you start, decide what you will do after they answer.
Begin with one thing that happened and how it affected you. Leave what you think they meant until later.
Ask how they saw it, and let them finish. You are checking your facts, not waiting for your turn to talk.
Say exactly what you want to change. Make it clear enough that they can say yes, say no, or offer something else.
Set a limit by describing your own actions: what you can take on, and where you stop.
Before you bring it up, decide when, where and how you will talk, and who else will be there. These choices matter as much as your words.
One next stepBook twenty minutes on Monday morning. Do not raise it at the end of Friday’s meeting.
In the Counsel app, you describe your own situation and choose this approach. It uses the one or two principles that fit what you wrote, and ends with one next step you can save.
Know what to say? Say it once before it counts. In nineteen practice talks, a mentor plays the other person and a coach steps in when a line slips. Start with asking for a raise, telling your boss you’re overloaded or telling your partner you’re not happy.
Write it the way you would tell a friend. Leave with one clear next step.
Prefer several views to one line of thinking? These mentors often read this kind of situation well. See all sixteen.
These principles were written and reviewed for Counsel in plain language. They are not quotes from a book. Counsel is for thinking things through. It is not therapy, and not medical, legal or financial advice.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Lincoln
Frederick Douglass
Confucius